I’m tired today: Spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I am battered, my sails are lost, and I need God to heal. The seas have been adversarial, metaphorically speaking, and I can’t tell whether I’ve passed through a tremendous storm or I’m in the eye of a hurricane and there is more to come.
I sometimes wonder if I am closest to God when I have used up all my reserves and have no fight left in me, nor the energy to push Him away. When I don’t have any pride or any semblance of ego remaining to see myself as anyone other than who I really am.
But God has always seen me as I really am — and loved me anyway. It’s only I who have trouble seeing myself as I am — and loving myself anyway. I confuse who I want to be with who I am. I confuse the image I project with the person who stands before the mirror.
And I wonder whether God sends storms into the seas I sail for the purpose of reminding me who I really am. Reminding me that I am His. Maybe He has to tear my sails, shatter my helm, exhaust me, almost drown me, before I surrender to Him and allow Him to save me. I’m so fiercely independent, judgmental, stubborn, and prideful when things go my way. People mistake my shyness for humility. My independence for strength. God knows better. I know better too.
Or maybe God doesn’t send the storms, but simply uses them for His purposes when they come.
Today I have emerged from such a storm badly shaken, listing badly, and bruised — spiritually and emotionally. And profoundly remorseful and grateful to God.
You see, I have been so arrogant, judgmental, and prideful, lately, I needed to be brought down. I have been so focused on the wrong priorities, I needed to chart a new course. I needed to be humbled and to feel remorse. Even at great cost.
Whether God brought the storm or used it, I am grateful. It has brought me closer to Him, a safe harbor to heal from the storm.
“God is our refuge and strength, a tested help in times of trouble. And so we need not fear even if the world blows up and the mountains crumble into the sea. Let the oceans roar and foam; let the mountains tremble!” (Psalm 46:1-3)
Image: Jordan Station Shipwreck, Ontario, Canada, May Be Subject to Copyright